I'm a Mama: Woulda Been Nice to Know ...

Becoming a mama is a crazy thing that happens.  When people say, "You're whole life is about to change," they're totally right.  As a mom-to-be and new mom you get lots of advice and lots of "how-to's" and "expect this" kinds of tips.  I got lots of helpful, practical and truthful (and a few annoyingly patronizingly useless) tidbits, but there were a few times, especially post-pregnancy that I thought, "Good grief, why didn't anyone mention this?! Woulda been nice to know ..."

So here are a few things on my "Woulda Been Nice" List:

1.  Waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of baby screams isn't one of the most glowing moments of being a new mom.  Waking up soaked ... even less fun.  You think I'm talking about leaky boobs, right?  WRONG!  Guys, I told you, this list is things no one really mentions on the regular.  Leaky boobs ... that's old news.  I'm talking about night sweats - waking up drenched in more ounces of sweat than even I knew I was capable of producing, and I am a very sweaty person.  Pre-baby, I thought about exercising and I start sweating.  I live in Macon, Middle-of-Freaking-Georgia, for crying out loud, but I've never known sweat until I came home from the hospital with my newborn.  For your sake, if you're expecting, I hope very wholeheartedly that this doesn't happen to you, because it's weird and gross, not to mention annoying to have to change your pajamas in the middle of the night.  As if you don't have other things to be doing in the middle of the night ... like feeding a human you created but really have no clue how to take care of.  Isn't that enough without turning into a human sweat faucet, I ask?  Woulda been nice to know...

2.  Speaking of being up in the middle of the night ... after you've gotten up, peeled off your pajamas that you apparently just went swimming in, located your crying baby in the dark, picked her up, fed her, cuddled her, reassured her that she loves you and wants to go back sleep, put her paci in, watched her eyes slowly fall shut, and daintily laid that sweet, precious, snoozing baby back in her crib, you will crawl back to your bed (which is nice and damp from your sweat angel, but you won't care because you're exhausted).  You'll get all cozy and smile to yourself thinking about how sweet that tender moment was nursing your baby back to sleep, and almost be asleep yourself, when ... WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Yep, that paci just fell out and that sweet angel baby just woke back up.  I'm not telling any mom-to-be anything new.  You've all been warned about the constant up-and-down, middle-of-the-night routine with a new baby.  But has anyone mentioned that you very well may find yourself standing over that adorable crib that you decked out to the max, staring at a 6 pound bundle of screaming, shaking, teary infant screaming "GO BACK TO SLEEP, DAMMIT!  SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"  Nooooooo, not you!  Who cusses at their 3 week old infant?  No one does that!  Right?  Wrong!  No one TELLS you that they do that, because the next morning they all get up and think, "Did I really cuss out that tiny little innocent newborn right there that looks like a bundle of snuggly perfection?"  And then they pick up that baby and say, "I'm sorry sweet girl!  Mama is so sorry that she said mean things to you last night, and she loves you so very much."  You will cuss at your baby in the middle of the night in a tired state of delirium.  (and if you don't say it out loud because you're a better person than I am, then you'll most likely at least be thinking it).  And then you'll apologize for it.  And you're not a horrible mother.  Woulda been nice to know ....

3.  About the third night after Thomas and I brought Emma home from the hospital, I woke up in the middle of the night not able to find Emma.  I was holding her when I fell asleep, but when I woke up, she wasn't in my arms.  I panicked as much as a half-awake person can panic.  I didn't want to sit or stand up to look for her for fear she might be still partially on or around me and would fall out of the bed.  So I laid very still but began to use my hands to carefully pat my body methodically and then all around me to try to find my girl.  Suddenly, as I was patting, I landed on her leg.  I grabbed hold of it tightly and started working my hand up her leg to find the rest of her.  Then I kind of woke up.  Not once (including that night) have I ever gone to sleep with my baby in the bed.  And what I was holding was not her leg.  However, my husband was pleasantly surprised that I was already feeling so frisky so soon after delivering a baby.  Um, whhaaaaattt?? We laughed until we cried when we realized what happened.  For the next 2 months or so, 3 or 4 times a week I'd wake up to find myself standing over the bed patting down the comforter as Thomas said, "She's not in here.  We didn't bring her in the bed.  Go back to sleep."  You will start having crazy dreams about your baby.  I don't know if yours will be the same as mine ... who knows, maybe yours will be about your baby crying when she's not.  They might be about milk.  (The last dream I remember having in this series of dreams happened about a month ago.  I must have been dreaming that I was pumping in the bed because I woke up patting down the bed looking for some bags of expressed milk that I was sure had gotten lost in the sheets.  When Thomas said wearily, "Mamie, she's not in here, go back to sleep," my brain woke up and I realized how ludicrous it was that I was looking for bags of milk in a bed.  I was so embarrassed that I quickly snapped at him, "That's not even what I was doing."  Later, when we woke up I told him what I was really looking for.  Needless to say, he's starting to think I'm a little nuts.)  Regardless of what crazy way your new motherhood fears manifest themselves into your sleep, you're just dreaming!  Woulda been nice to know ....

4.  You've probably heard someone mention that your hair might start falling out if you're breastfeeding.  What they might not have mentioned is that it might not start right away.  You might be like me, and think that you are obviously too good to have your hair fall out and maybe it's because you just eat soooooo many vegetables.  Then 3 months later you get a reality check when you get out of the shower, brush your hair and pull out a wad large enough to be considered a small animal.  Guess those veggies didn't make you any better than anyone else after all.  Moral of the story, breastfeeding hair loss can start right away, or it can be delayed ... and no one seems to know how long it will last.  So get your Drano and tweezers ready, because you're going to have a lot of fun cleaning out your shower drain once a week so you aren't standing in a pool of water while you shower.  Woulda been nice to know ...

5.  I do not enjoy confrontation.  But suddenly, post-baby, you do something that somehow, in any way, threatens, insults, or insinuates anything remotely negative about my baby, I'm about to get all Bonquiqui up on yo' ass.  Yes, I will cut you ... after I curse you, let you know what a lowlife scumbag you are, and decide to hold a never-ending grudge against you (ok, fine, I did that part before I had a baby).   After a (very disgusting, rude, worthless) lady in a sandwich shop shocked me by throwing down her sandwich, rolling her eyes and huffing and puffing when my friend and I walked in with our babies to have lunch and sat at a table by her (I mean, I was actually speechless ... really??), I now have a full speech prepared in case that ever happens again.  It is not pretty or kind or gracious.  So watch it!  I will turn into the Wicked Witch of the West and hex you if you cross my child.  Woulda been nice to know ....

Don't worry, maybe you'll be the mom who is exempt from all-of-the-above.  If not, don't take any of it too seriously because it's all part of the experience and nothing worth doing is worth getting your panties in a twist over (well, except #5 ... someone crosses your baby, you better take care of business ASAP!)  Thomas and I have laughed ourselves until tears over so many incidents related to these 5 things ... after the fact, of course.  Y'all it is so fun!  But you gotta have a clue about what you might be getting yourself into.  And I feel personally responsible for helping out with that process.  After all, I have a full 4 months experience, so I'm pretty much a pro ...

Don't worry, if I think of anything else, I'll definitely make a "Part 2."  You mamas deserve it!