Rejoice, Pray, Give Thanks - yep, in Macon

Thomas and I sat down the other day and made some lists about where we see our lives in 5, 10, 15 years - his idea.  He is such a planner and a visualizer.  Me, I don't really see my life in 5 years because I have no idea what that might look like.  But out of all the things I see or don't see, I don't think I've made it any secret that Macon is not a place I saw my life going.  Thomas is a place I saw my life going, but not Macon.  I don't mean this negatively toward anyone who does see their lives in Macon, because other people would never see their lives in places and doing some things that I do.  Different strokes for different folks, as my brother likes to say.  Anyway, I just realized that I have lived in Macon 4 years this summer.  4 years.  Hard to believe!

For most of this year, I've been satisfied in Macon.  Things had definitely been on the upswing in my emotional relationship with Macon.  I used to have Macon Meltdowns at least once a month for a while.  Slowly they've dissipated, and mostly disappeared.  But lately, for whatever reason,  all the sudden I've been having some serious Macon panic attacks.  I think the holidays make them more prevalent because it's a time when I would normally be around friends and family and have that warm fuzzy feeling you get around the holidays, and sometimes the lack of that makes me feel so isolated and lonely.  But I also think I just allow myself to believe things that aren't true - that I don't have any real friends in Macon or that I am alone here or that I don't fit in.  That's one of the biggest ones.  I feel like Macon and I just aren't a fit.  I don't want to go into the reasons why, but it's one of the most isolating thoughts that I have.  And slowly over the last 4 years, I've begun to believe that I DON'T belong here and that I'm not supposed to be here.  So, naturally, I think that if I were somewhere else, wherever I am supposed to be, then things would be so much better.  Thomas keeps asking where that perfect place is.  And I always rolled my eyes at him, but lately I've been thinking about that - maybe Costa Rica?  But then I'd still be so far from family, both mine AND his then.  Somewhere out west with beautiful views and people who weren't all raised to think one way ... but who knows, maybe they all were?  How frustrating to feel like you're not where you're supposed to be, but also to not know where that place is.

Just before Christmas, my sister-in-law mentioned a Bible verse kind of randomly while we were having discussion at during our Bible Study.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - "Rejoice always, pray continuously, and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

People are always asking what God's will is for their lives or how to know God's will.  Even I, though I wasn't asking it in that direct manner, have been trying to figure out the same for myself in my battle with Macon.  But when Mary Jo read this verse, it struck a chord of truth in me.  Not a fun chord, but one that I undoubtedly needed to face.  God's will for me, my purpose and job in this life is: to rejoice always, to pray continuously, and to give thanks in all circumstances.  There wasn't really anything in there about going to a specific place.  There was no mention of seeking the place where God wants me to be and then playing out my purpose in that place.  Ouch.  I wrote to a friend as I was processing this that "Fortunately or unfortunately, Macon really has nothing to do with God's will for me - or any location - because his will for me is spiritual, not physical or locational." What a pill to swallow, but what a relief in many ways.  I don't have to ask those questions of "Which job is best?," "Where should I be living?," "Is now the best time?"  I mostly need to ask "Am I rejoicing in what I've been given outside of things I can touch?," "Am I keeping open communication with God?" and "Am I giving thanks regardless of what is going on around me?"... not even for what is going on always, but for the gift of a relationship with God that takes away the pressure of my life here being as stressful as I try to make it.  I felt such a relief in that and such a freedom to live in Macon and find true joy right in that spot.

Less than a month after writing those words to my listening friend, I had the biggest Macon Meltdown I have had in probably over a year.  Makes me think I was on to something with my thinking and someone was trying to steal my newfound knowledge and rob me of any joy it could bring me.  Well, it worked for about 2 days.  And now it's 2013 and I have to believe that those words are still true today, this year, and still hold freedom and joy for me in Macon, in Costa Rica, in Arizona, or wherever I may be, for however long I may be there.

I can't honestly say that I see myself in Macon forever.  It scares me to think about it (and as Thomas likes to point out, it sort of scares me to think about myself being any once place for the rest of my life). But it's time to change what I'm chasing.  It can't be a place anymore, or I truly may never find that sense of belonging I've been looking for.  It has to be to wake up each morning and remember to do 3 things: Rejoice, Pray, Give Thanks.  And I think I might just make it anywhere.